I know annoy the heck out of people when I say I’m sorry way to much and at times that it doesn’t even make sense to say it. I’ve been told that and I’m working on it.
Why do I do that?
For the longest time, I really didn’t know why, but always felt it was important. The more I thought about and discussed with some close people made me realize why I did.
Being a “full time” patient has allowed me to build up a lot of gratitude over the years. Gratitude for my family, friends, medical care team, pain medication, etc. Sometimes it’s almost too much gratitude(if there is ever a thing of having to much of it) and find myself constantly striving to apologize to others for their unending help and support.
It’s a hard place to be in when you are the one needing the constant care and support, not even physically, but mentally. It actually gets old after awhile, but when you are dependent on your family and friends physcially and financially for something that is not in your control, it’s hard to not want to disappoint them on any level in life. You feel forever indebted to them.
As much as it’s important to not forget who has been there for you every step of the way, it’s just as important to not feel indebted to them.
I didn’t choose to have a congenital heart defect. I didn’t choose to have two open heart surgeries in under three years. I didn’t choose to not work for a good portion of my adult life. I didn’t choose to not date and be social.
I have accepted that this disease is a part of me forever. But that doesn’t mean I need to be at the mercy of everyone who has helped me. I will ALWAYS be grateful for those who have and who may have to continue to helping me along in this life, but I also do not want to feel like I owe my life to everyone. Don’t get me wrong, I love doing what I can to show my gratitude. It’s so hard to explain and live out, but I know it is a part of trying to let me be my true authentic self and learn who I am in this life of living with a congenital heart defect. I believe allowing myself to feel this way will help me strive for my own hopes and goals.
Do you ever feel this way? Know you are not alone.