There are three words as a heart patient you don’t want to hear. You might have an idea what those words are. Drum roll please….
Open Heart Surgery.
A few weeks ago, I had to hear those words again behind closed doors at a doctors office in Boston, Massachusetts. Although, I knew it was coming way before my appointment, part of me was hoping this second opinion would magically have some new invention by the time I saw them. A girl can dream, right?!
The past 6 months have been challenging not only physically, but mentally. Although, I knew this disease takes some adjustments in life, I didn’t know it meant your whole life.
It means closing doors that you think you can still go through, but simply can’t because of your health. Little did I know, that the adjustment I thought I was making was no where near what actually had to be done. Talk about the biggest brick you can imagine crushing your hopes and dreams. Sounds dramatic, right? But, it’s true. When your care team says it’s time to start making real life adjustments, you see the world you always envisioned come to an end.
Rightfully so, I felt like a failure. After recovering from two open heart surgeries, I’ve spent the last five years of my life trying to become a young independent adult, settle in a career, date, get married and start a family of mine. In fact, there were times I didn’t believe I actually had a heart problem until walking up a flight of stairs became more and more challenging. It’s amazing how much can change in a second. We truly never know what tomorrow will bring.
In all honesty, I am angry that I have to have another open heart to not only live longer, but thrive longer. Isn’t two enough?! But, I am also SO grateful that surgery is an option because it means God is giving me another chance at life. It’s a feeling that simply can’t be put into words.
I am slowly learning this life is not about what I want. Rather, it’s following God’s will. This adjustment doesn’t mean giving up concrete goals, hopes and dreams, but making new ones.
There is a virtue that keeps coming to my mind lately. It is called Blind Obedience. Preparing for a third open heart surgery at age 29 while needing to close doors and not knowing what doors to open next, this virtue seems quite fitting these days.
If you are preparing for open heart surgery, feel free to contact to me. This preparation should never be alone. Know you are not alone while waiting for that dreaded date to come. Be a warrior and don’t give up!