It’s funny and scary to think about how your life was going a year ago. For me, it was actually pretty well. I had a new lease on life thanks to Wilbur(my pig valve) and was getting ready for another semester in hopes of becoming a nurse one day. Although life goals for me have been one delay after another, I’ve realized why things pan out the way they do. Sometimes, it’s beyond irritating or frustrating especially after you invest time and money into it.
I have slowly realized that God puts us in certain places at different times in our lives even if we never complete the intended end goal. I have been trying to get into nursing school for about 2 and half years and yes, I did get in this past semester. It was a GREAT feeling!
About a month after, I had to make a decision that when I set out for this goal, I didn’t think I would have to face. I love to take care of people more than I love to take care of myself. I learned and needed affirmation from others in the field that if I continued down this road for nursing, I would end up comprising my own health to take care of others. At first, I thought I was being so selfish for always worrying about my needs especially since a lot has been focused on me the last few years while being a patient. I’ve learned over the last few months and years really that there is a major difference between being selfish and self-care.
At only 27, I still have so much I hope to achieve in my lifetime and realized that if I focused on this goal, I would never be able to have the things I have desired my entire life. Becoming a Mom and seeing my family grow up.
I never realized how much you have to take into a account when you suffer from a life long disease. You can’t just think that you will sleep it off or get into the best shape to help with energy or whatever it might be to get through those long shifts. Any stress, fatigue, etc doesn’t just go away after working and it can make your heart condition worsen and over time, it doesn’t seem worth it to me.
I love to take care of people so much that it hurts me to know that I won’t do it in the way I have secretly dreamed of for so long, but i’m learning there are other ways without hurting my own health.
A couple of weeks ago, I finally was at peace with this decision to not pursue nursing school anymore. If anyone knows me, you know I am the most indecisive person ever so you can imagine what this decision was doing to my little emotional heart.
I was at Doctor’s appointment a couple of weeks ago and he described in a few different words the type of nurse I could have made while mentioning that he was glad I wasn’t pursuing it anymore for reasons that matched mine. I needed to hear those words. This doctor is super nice and helpful for my needs, but doesn’t know me on a true personal level so to hear those words from someone who sees me and has little conversations here and there just made me realize I could do just that and more.
Self care is far more important and a hard, but important lesson to learn.